in the winter years….

mine at the start of the cold, dark season…. her’s I do not know

i was afraid to ask….

because I wanted a Spring friendship…..

One that started in the beginning of awareness.

one that spanned a lifetime of shares, and laughs, and tears and understanding….

it is selfish to want this. I should be grateful to know such a rich person. Obscenely full of life. Of love and friends and awareness. A life force.

a woman of purpose.

I met a friend, a woman.

and I am grateful.

Ripe, lush, honeydew lumen,
watches,
sharing secrets, and pain, human tragedy, victory,

has no interest in the outcome,

cares less than an eel gulping water, biting victims who happen by.

I stare into the abyss, I know that wherever you are, you stare back.

at the same moon.

I don’t get it, I don’t understand, why we call each person who perseveres, who makes it through a tough spot,
A hero.

Extraordinary, self-sacrifice, saving someone or many with no thought of self, through actions that are carried out despite danger.
That I get.

I do not think a hero is saving yourself. Or being kind when it is a decent human action that should be expected of everyone.

Focus,

on what is here and now.     Survival, what gets you through.  Me or them.

I will always choose me. Through blood, pain, soul crushing, life altering, mind numbing,       life changing, blinding anger and pain…

I will always chose me.

But, more than me, those I love and honor.

With my last breath

I will not be defeated…..

even in death.

Left unsaid,

what is good and kind,

an unwritten song,

what is good and kind.

Your need to be unpainted,

to walk lightly.

You

touch the best of humanity.

a fullness of soul, no hidden list.

A gift to me, to know you.

When darkness screams emptiness or

light is devoured by the past,

or fear of future pulls like a magnet,

it is your pureness, your kindness, your light that shines,

that illuminates the shadows.

Truth:

I am

terrified

worried

concerned

I am jealous.

To see truth and to act.

Close to absolute as possible ….

worth risk of life.

I get it….

purple silhouette against shades of blue, upside down ocean,
distant triangles, spotted with trees. Each mountain declares its space.
The air moist, clean.
nose numb from cold, fingers tips extend, fallen leaves.
But, it is the silence most alluring that grips the mind.
A silence filled with soft, rustle of wings, scamper of squirrels.
the wind sighs.
time unfettered.

I should protect you…..

it is so difficult to attenuate…

in my mind I champion you….

it is my role,

my destiny.

my purpose.

yet, I cannot pretend.

you have exceeded.

and I cannot be anything but confused.

my grandmother’s hands were wrinkled,
veins pulsed, large, blue

soft skin,

I loved,
to press the wrinkles,
watch them pop back.

I loved her,

her lap, the feel of her dresses, sleek, flowered.

her schedule, insisted rules.

the dime store pony I rode, with nickels she

sacrificed.

the lesson of what love felt like.

There is something out of reach,

in my dreams,

a child grips the back of my neck, with trust.

the soft, warm, head, nestled to my shoulder,
small body absorbed into mine.

Silk sunshine mixed with giggles.

He is gone,

in his place,
a man walks,

with dignity, integrity,
conviction.

I am left to wrestle with his conceivable pain, discomfort.

I beg that my devotion and love will, somehow, lend strength
give comfort,

now that I can no longer carry him.